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Saturday, September 7th, 2002
10:12 pm
I'm sure there's more to life than to fight viciously with the elf wife and have the blood pressure rocket to the sky and then having the most carnal and engaging sexual intercourse that living beings can ever conceive.

Like, the flowers. Aren't they all nice and... flowery?

And the sun. So nice and bright and... uh, sunny.

And the trees! So green and impressive and uh...

I think it's time to have submarine sex again.

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Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
10:42 am - hmm.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
12:16 pm
Heh.

(9 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, August 15th, 2002
8:48 pm - ugh.
Right.

I come back and I see that my WIFE seemed to have traded fucking bodies and her body is currently fucking another.

My wife has been replaced by a ring. That is, her body, is a RING.

I am considering two different courses of action to resolve this once and for all. Because there's only so much a man can take seeing his wife fuck off and disappear for stretches of time and then coming back and saying to you, 'Hello Beregond. You're so fucking ugly. I hate you. Let's fuck.'

It fucks your head up, man.

So. One of two things, one of two things.

Choice number one, I go and find that fucking ring she has turned into and toss her into a fissure.

And choice number two, I go and find that RING-TURNED-INTO-MY-WIFE and kill IT brutally and ensure that her fiery hair, curved lips and firm breasts will never torment me again.

What to do, what to do.

I could also do both and find some new fucktoy. One with bland hair, nonexistent lips and floppy tits.

Or on second thought, that just makes me want to fucking vomit. Right then. Now, where the fuck did I put my shotgun and flamethrower?

current mood: ringacidal/wifeisawhoreacidal

(27 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
12:13 am
It appears that my dear and darling wife has made known to a Son of Feanor that she would brutally murder him if he touched one hair on Bergil's head.

That's great and all but what about me. WHAT ABOUT ME, THE FUCKIN' HUSBAND HERE?! But anyway, there's apparently going to be a new episode of the Bergil Half-Elven show featuring the Sons of the illustrious Feanor and Guests.

Great, popcorn kernel-spittin' entertainment that'll be!

My feet have blisters on them. Bugger.

current mood: eh.

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Sunday, August 11th, 2002
12:59 am - hi.
I've decided to acknowledge my affection for my son. There's nothing like a bitchass elf wife disappearing without a trace for a second time to put some perspective in you.

Or it might be due to some drunken confessional involving a muppet and sixteen bottles of vodka.

I've built a yellow submarine. And I am currently living in its tight yet spacious quarters deep underneath the waves of the grand blue Anduin.

I'm also considering making a very special community for Faramir. A very special community. He's become quite a legend you know. A legend in the sack.

Anyway.

Me and Bergil's planning to kidnap Nellas and haul her pretty ass back here. Even though we have no clue where she is. I'm sure if we put up enough nude pictures of her on the internet, we'll garner a reply from her, swearing and cursing and threatening murder involving razor-sharp pencils.
A plan that will never fail, right? Right? Right.

current mood: calm

(17 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
11:11 pm
Per request of John someone anonymous, I've thrown myself out of the void and back into Middle Earth.

I found that my bitch of a wife has gone missing again and that the adorable mongrel here is getting laid.

AHAHAHAHAHAH.

Well, then. To build a submarine or not to build a submarine.

current mood: awake

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, July 21st, 2002
12:43 am
*straps sockpuppet particle disintegrator onto chest*

*fiddles with switch*

current mood: i have no reason to live

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Friday, July 5th, 2002
11:08 pm
Hello. This is Elladan! I took over Beregond's body. I must say that this is pretty neat. I have musical talent and this body comes with a red-headed elf wife who likes running around the streets of Minas Tirith speaking German.
Where is she? I hope she doesn't hit me or anything.

(27 comments | comment on this)

Monday, June 17th, 2002
10:46 pm - My wife likes to be groped by halflings.
My wife likes to be groped by halflings.

current mood: My wife likes to be groped by

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Friday, June 14th, 2002
9:29 pm - goddamn i'm bored
I don't know where the fucking blue-eyed brat went. I know for a fucking fact that those large alien eyes did not come from her side of the family - dirt eyed lot of them. I have this fucking ring welded onto my fucking finger. I think that bitch went to one of her sneaky metal-humping smith cronies and gave them sexual favours in return for this FUCKING RING I CAN'T FUCKING REMOVE FROM MY FUCKING FINGER.

FUCK.

And Faramir was kidnapped again.

Fucking Ulmo's fucking profanities fucking super-glued to fucking Varda's fucking lip gloss I have a fucking HEADACHE!!!!!!!

*decapitates a chinchilla*

GARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

I need a fucking drink.

current mood: pissed off

(50 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
10:41 pm - i love you, nellas
I woke up and found a ring on the fourth finger of my left hand.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I must've taken ecstasy, right? There's no way that I could've gotten married to her willingly.

Fuck.

FUCK.

(2 comments | comment on this)

Monday, June 3rd, 2002
11:02 pm - just pretend that this whole fucking thing is in strike-out text
*kisses Nellas passionately*

*with his new wife, Beregond loads the bouquet into a cannon stolen from the Circus, Circus casino*

*lights the cannon and watches the bouquet fly into the air and out of sight*

*the bouquet sours into the horizon, splitting in two, and smacking these two in the back of their heads in their respective locations:*



*Beregond and Nellas tips back a bottle of booze and hits the craps tables*

(23 comments | comment on this)

4:17 pm - Ahem
Ever hated someone? Really, really hated someone? So much that the loathing just courses through your veins and feels like you could explode?
Yes.
That. That thing barges back into my life after sixteen-plus years of silence and makes demands of me, of that creature I found in the river, and says I am childish and a fucker. WELL EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME.
You didn't have to pay for the basket-thing's education and his daily water and grits, now DID YOU? You weren't here when he nearly died of blood poisoning after er, something stabbed him and... stuff. Where exactly were you when all of this happened, eh?

I ought to shoot you right now.

I love you so much I want to marry you.

current mood: pissed off!

(8 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
10:24 am
So, um, Nellas has been attempting to be a good mother by trying to choke Bergil to death with her cooking. Wonderful, absolutely fucking wonderful.

I would um, complain more but I'm currently still in the aftermath of ecstasy with Nellas beside me feeling a little sick right now and maybe later, when I'm able to get up, I'll go find some medication to remedy my situation.

Yeah.

(36 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, June 1st, 2002
10:15 am
Um. Yeah. dear eru that was the best fucking night in my life for a long fucking time That whore, Nellas is back. She was the one who fucking spawned that thing with the unusual affinity for comic books, sharp sticks, and the halfling Samwise Gamgee - all of his weirdness came from her. And then she abandoned him, leaving ME in custody with him, not even leaving a note or sending a fucking child support check or anything. NOT ONE.
Fucking Ulmo, I hate her.
See how obnoxious and irritating and insane she is? the best woman in the world It teaches you a lesson not to get involved with people. Especially those who spawn you infidels. And stuff.
Yeah.

I spent last night getting having sex for six hours straight getting extremely drunk and destroying things. Skinning rodents and the like.

...

If she gets pregnant again, it certainly isn't mine.

I have to go.

(23 comments | comment on this)

Friday, May 31st, 2002
10:22 pm
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

asdiasdkajsdaksdasdYOUFUCKINGWHORETHOUGHTILEFTYOUFORGOODeslkjfdaslkdjasda

Look, it's the fucking mother of that thing I found in that basket. Go hassle her about being a fucking negligent parent.


....



I need a drink.

current mood: aggravated

(29 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
11:55 am
jsdfhskldfhsdlfksdfhsdkfnaskfnf!!!!!!!!

I FOUND HIM IN A FUCKING BASKET, FLOATING ON A FUCKING RIVER.

END OF STORY.

current mood: aggravated

(5 comments | comment on this)

Monday, May 20th, 2002
10:12 pm - i'm a little late on this but whatever
canoncanoncanon

*sees Faramir dying*

*panics*

*panics*

*panics some more*

*Pippin stares at Beregond*

Beregond yells: WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOOOOO???

Pippin replies with: Uhhh, get Gandalf?

Beregond replies with: But I'll get in trouble!!!

Pippin replies with: Who cares?! Do it!!

Beregond replies with: Okay!!!

etc. etc.

(12 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, May 16th, 2002
12:42 pm - heheh
heh heh hehCollapse )

current mood: amused

(2 comments | comment on this)

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